My Release from Fear
This year I really came to understand the role fear plays in my life. Fear is so much more than being afraid. It’s about control. It’s about safety. It’s the wrong kind of motivation.
Fear can also be the easy choice. When looking at a long road ahead, a road that you can’t really see two steps in front of you, it’s easy to let fear control you. It’s not easy to dig down, take a stand and be strong. To look at the road and start walking. To let others lead the way.
I made a bunch of decisions this year because I was afraid — afraid to wait, to ask questions, to trust my gut, to show my frustration and anger, of death. Nothing positive came out of any of those decisions.
When I was going into my second round of chemo, which was called “The Red Devil” and was going to last 8 weeks, my doctors and nurses prepared me about how tough this was going to be. And I wasn’t really ready. On my first day, I met a guy who was finishing his last day of the same chemo I was just starting. He said to me as he left that “by the end of 8 weeks I’d be ready to die than go through one more week of this”. My nurse was really unhappy, but it actually helped me. It gave me a frame of reference for me to power through. Each time I went I’d think of him and hope he was doing well because he helped me not be afraid.
And I hope neither of us have to go through it again.
This year I learned the importance of taking my time, as much time as I needed. to recognize the “why” of my decisions. To do what I could to release myself from fear and take my step forward. I’m a big believer in that to build momentum, you need to take a least 1 step forward a day. Even a day when you may have taken many steps backwards, it only takes one small step forward by the end of the day to start you down your right path again. To me that was taking responsibility for my self and my decisions. Waiting until I have the information I needed for a treatment decision, taking the step to tell someone I was sick or letting the people I love participate by taking care of me the way they needed to.
When I open myself up to a moment and ask for release from fear, I make stronger decisions. I’m more creative and strong. I’m better at work and at home.
It’s not easy. I don’t always get there right away. But I’m never going to stop trying.
